dating - should you have a list of standards?

Hi friends!!

I have several ladies that follow along on here, & a few have asked if I have anything to share on dating & relationships. To be honest, I’ve been hesitant to share on this topic because I try not to post about things that I don’t feel I have much wisdom or experience on.

But hey, we are learning alongside each other. And really, there is something to that. My goal here is to encourage you as I share my walk with Christ…in real time. Sometimes that means my learning and refining looks messy or different than your learning or refining. And that’s okay - & maybe in that, we can learn from each other.

So, I am starting a new blog post series to go in the midst of my other life sharing & topics. After prayer & consideration, I hope this may offer encouragement to some of you, and I am thankful for the opportunity to write about what God is teaching me in this season. You’ll find a list of some topics within dating, relationships, and marriage at the bottom of this post. I’ll plan to dive into these in future blog posts, and I would love more suggestions! If you know me in real life, I would love to hear your feedback and questions. Let me know if you are encouraged, find yourself disagreeing, would like to learn more, or would like to hear about something different. If we don’t cross paths in daily life, I’m not tech savvy enough to figure out blog comments, so connect on my blog Instagram, linked in my blog info section.

You may be in a different season than me – already married, single, dating, engaged, widowed, childless, with children, still in school, etc. Many people hold more wisdom & experience in this topic, so I’m just here scratching the surface on the little bits I’ve gleaned so far. I’ll try to point you toward solid resources & share how I find my people too. Some considerations as we begin…

Are you looking to date?

Why or why not?

What is your goal with dating?

How is your walk with the Lord?

Do you know what your values & standards are?

Do you have a mom, mentor, or friend (or multiple) that are pouring into you?

Is there anyone in your life that could keep you accountable?

(These last two questions we are saving to dive into in a future blog post, but still helpful for consideration.)

I wholeheartedly think that if you are a believer, you should not date if you don’t want to get married & are not desiring to pursue marriage at this time. Sometimes, God open doors in really unexpected ways, but generally, I think if marriage is not a desire He has put on your heart, God probably won’t simply drop a husband on your doorstep. So, if you are looking to date, is it with the intent of finding a spouse?

A brief caveat. Biblically, I am not fully set on the concept of dating. I align a little more to the concept of courtship, but for the purpose of this blog post, I’m gearing this towards those looking for a spouse.

I went on a first date last year (you’ll have to check back in to see how that’s going 😊) & was anticipating it while out to a super fancy dinner (Chic-fil-A) with two girlfriends. It was a guy I didn’t know particularly well, but we were in overlapping friend circles. We had been friends for almost a year, but I didn’t truly know his character yet. I spoke with anticipation of things I wanted to know more about him, character I was curious about, personality I was interested in. One of my friends said, “Well since you don’t know much about him anyway, its kind of a blank slate, what are you looking for in a future husband?” She pulled out her phone and asked me to make a list right then & there. It seemed kind of like a funny thing to do, because at first I was imagining the stereotype of tall, dark, & handsome, you know, the kind of worldly things our society tells us. Had I ever truly sat down & evaluated what my biggest desires, or nonnegotiables were? Have you?

I actually haven’t changed this list since that Chic-fil-A day, so I looked back at it in writing this. (Don’t worry, I’ve prayerfully considered future spouse qualities beyond this conversation, this was just the last tangible list I have.) I’m not going to share it in it’s entirety, as we are all unique & the Lord has different callings for us as individuals. But I noted that first & foremost, I wanted to marry someone who had a strong relationship with God, and was humbly & intentionally pursuing his walk with the Lord. I would hope that he would be in the Word and community frequently. I also listed a handful of character traits that I found to be God-honoring, and simply attractive in a guy. Some of these were along the lines of strong in leadership, patient, interested in others & making an effort to serve them, gentle & gracious. There were nuanced specifics, & you may have different ones than me. I also included a few personal ‘uncompromisables’ in somebody that I would want to marry. The Lord could choose to change my heart, or be different in different seasons, but for any of us, these could include a desire for someone who has never been married before, boundaries in your potential spouse’s past, whether that be regarding their family life, or their personal history. I noted a few things about children, and what kind of father I would want my children to have if the Lord blesses me with children in the future.

This question of what you are looking for in a future spouse warrants balance; you don’t want a 100 bulleted point list long of personality traits & physical features that are unattainable, but you also want to marry somebody who will encourage you in your walk with the Lord & in partnership help you to serve the Kingdom & honor the Lord all of your days. Marriage is probably the biggest & most important decision of your life. If you are dating to marry, you want to do that with lots of intentionality & prayer. Ladies, keep your standards high. AND, be careful those standards are about the right things.

Don’t date someone simply because they are interested in you, or because you desire the social status, or because you are so deeply longing to be married. Good things are worth waiting for. Truly. If marriage is something that is in the Lord’s will for you, He will direct your path as you seek His will & wisdom. Wait patiently & abide in Him.

So how do you even create this kind of list? As I’ve mentioned before, I strive to live my life with the standard of truth that the Word of God brings, so I start there. Here’s a few verses about marriage & godly character to looks for in a spouse:

Ephesians 5:25-33

1 Peter 3:7

Genesis 1:27

Galatians 2:20

Proverbs 15:1

Ephesians 4:2

Matthew 19:6

Colossians 3:13-14

1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Another thing you could do in considering qualities of a potential spouse, or evaluating a potential spouse is asking for advice from those who love you. I ask for advice & wisdom from those who have more lived & relationship experience than me. For me, this is my mom, ladies at church, mentors, friends who know my heart well, etc. If you have a potential guy in mind, you could ask for wisdom about that individual specifically. Or if you don’t, you could seek wisdom in what types of guys & character to look for.

You could spend time with & around couples you want to be like someday. Surround yourself with older couples, maybe that have children, or maybe that don’t, and learn in your observations & conversations. See what things you admire, & which things you wouldn’t want to have in your future marriage. Watch what works for people & how people may or may not reflect godly character. I would hope that as you live in community, your awareness & desires for your future become more known & structured as you look for a potential spouse.

I also consider my future desires. I say desires because God is in control & chooses to produce fruit in different areas or open doors & opportunities. Somedays a desire doesn’t become a reality. But to some extent, we all have future hopes, dreams, or desires. For me, one of these big ones in making my standards list for dating included children. I would love to have children someday, and several of them, Lord willing. That could be a total deal breaker for a guy, and is definitely something to consider in evaluating. There would be such a loss if you had a desire on your heart like children and married someone who did not share in that future desire. You could consider different logistical factors. What do you want your life to look like? Are you hoping to be an overseas missionary. Probably don’t marry the guy who never wants to leave his hometown them. Do you want to work full time until you retire? Probably don’t marry the guy who believes women should be full time stay at home moms then and wouldn’t support your desire to work outside the home. Do you want to travel multiple times a year whenever financially possible? Probably don’t marry the person who despises travel & dreams of staying home every weekend.

You could even consider skills that you are looking for in a future spouse. (Following up with one of my biggest dealbreakers – children – I have the character trait/skills of having some child knowledge & understanding & a desire to learn about children more.) We should all aspire to be lifelong learners to some extent, but if the ability to do certain things really is a dealbreaker to you, maybe it’s worth a thought. If you do marry someone, God could call you as a couple to different jobs, walks of life, living places, or change your hearts together. But I do think in a season of evaluating & dating, God gives us the opportunity to pursue a relationship with a person who share values & dreams with us.

Well, I hope there was something in there that was helpful to you if you are dating or considering dating. If you are single, I would encourage you to sit down & truly consider what you are looking for in a future spouse. Thankful to serve Him through a variety of seasons that He calls us too.

Bye for now!

Looking for feedback!

Future posts – let me know what you want to read more or less of, or what you would add in these topic…

DATING & RELATIONSHIPS

What do you do in the waiting? – heart preparation, intentionality, and the balance of action within patience

Prayer & its power in your life while single, in a relationship, or married.

Should we even date at all? (Considering courtship)

Date in the open – living in community

How do you want your married life to look like?

Are you letting God write your love story or taking control?